It’s cold, it’s dark, it’s miserable: winter has a way of making you take another look at the slightly slovenly, but suddenly adorable guy next door, and before you know it you’re spooning on the couch in front of a Netflix marathon.
Lacking the chemistry and charisma (not to mention height, weight and eye colour) you usually require, the stranger in your bed was a convenient solution to the lonely winter nights. But now what? Cosy, familiar and house-broken, he may be, you don’t want him around by the time you’re booking your summer holidays. So, taking the new year as a good excuse to start afresh, I’ve decided to share my six steps to breaking up with your seasonal sweetheart, in favour of someone[s] new.
By now I imagine he’s probably quite attached – you are after all, a glamorous, ambitious type with quick wit and great style – so you’ll need to find a neutral location to pull the trigger. At home is a big no-no: there’s no polite way to ask someone to leave your home, and without anyone to witness it, he may be inclined to blubber. Remember: winter plays havoc with men’s emotions.
1. The first rule of breakups? Make it public. In full view of everyone else your man is less likely to cause a scene.
2. The second rule? Plan your escape strategy ahead of time.
Try a bar, but definitely not a restaurant. You don’t want to be sat there, staring at the menu, wondering when best to tell him you won’t be sticking around to share the creme brûlée.
3. Dress: to impress, of course. Avoid cosy sweaters or wearing anything soft in which he might want to snuggle. Instead, try something skintight in a synthetic material – PVC is a good place to start. While you are trying to make things easier for him, you do want to impress upon him exactly what he’s missing (and that should be your best self, not your Friday-night-in-with-pizza-and-sweatpants-self.)
– which leads me on to my next rule:
4. ALWAYS break up on a Friday. No matter how tiresome he may have become, you MUST wait for Friday. You both need time to recover from the emotional trauma of the breakup – he needs to reflect on his shortcomings, and you need to party.
5. Carry cash. You need to facilitate a quick exit, so there’s no time for checking the bill or waiting for the card machine. Drop enough to cover the cheque and get out. Don’t let him say you never paid for anything 😉
6. Now the real work begins: I don’t need to tell you bikini season is right around the corner, so I recommend you put down the leftover mince pie and rethink that Netflix subscription!